Grief is a natural response and usually a multi-step process after loosing someone or some thing very important to you. There are subjective feelings accompanying a loss such as anger and depression that are always part of the natural process of grief.In 1989 Kenneth Doka, coined the term “Disenfranchised Loss”. This is a loss that is not, or cannot, be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.Some categories of disenfranchised loss include: abuse and domestic violence, divorce, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, the loss of a dream such as having a child or a certain kind of life… these ordinary losses often go unrecognized by others. Being unrecognized by others and sometimes ourselves, we often do not mourn them. They get pushed aside or stuck inside of us.
Losses can also have a cumulative effect if they happen too close together especially if they are associated with trauma or if you don’t have a chance to fully process a loss and you experience another. Each loss can be like another trauma, opening the wound of the past and re-grieving all over again. Often people find themselves stuck in a negative cycle of depression and anger. Conversely, working through loss and trauma to a place of peace and acceptance can help us through the next trauma and loss. In her quintessential Book – On Death and Dying (1969) Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross identifies the following stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Processing and progressing through each stage brings us to the acceptance.
What I believe is important, is that we realize we can eventually come to a state of acceptance. It is possible. We are all human. We are by design, able to be conscious of pain, death, loss and trauma and move beyond it. Many believe this is the point of life. Sometimes we work it through one hour at a time, sometimes one day at a time, and with time we find we have longer periods of pain free living.
If you are grieving, and you think you are stuck or it is becoming unbearable, seek out someone who you may find helpful or supportive. There are many avenues to process your loss. Getting there will take different amounts of time for different people and for different reasons. Ask yourself what it is you need; counseling or psychological help or spiritual help? Are there family members who may be able to help you? There are different paths for different people. You may try just one or a couple at one time. One thing is for sure, be good to yourself. Get plenty of rest and eat well. Know that this will take time but for most of us we will get through all of these stages. Take time to focus on the beautiful things in this moment, like the sunshine, a smile or a funny movie. Noticing that there are moments without pain is part of the healing process too.
If you would like to discuss this or any other subject please feel free to contact me through one of the forums. I’m sure there are many other people experiencing the same or similar pain who would also benefit from your question and my response.
Lori
